Back to the future and return to the past

So I’ve been living at CB’s for the past few weeks, we’ve been going to the beach with the family and having lots of summery days out. It’s been very pleasant and there’s been lots of laughter!

The other morning, it was a Sunday morning (my favourite) we were lying in bed chatting casually and we got on to the subjects of jobs . He’s been talking about applying for a knew one of late as he’s not happy, and the one he’s gone for means alot to him.  Not only does it mean a huge pay rise but it means he gets to travel a bit more. He told me that he’d like to never have a Winter again and plans to have 6 months in the UK and 6 months is New Zealand.  Which then brought him onto the subject of my job. He told me I was really lucky that I did the work that I did, because I was able to move around whenever I liked and said that I could do the same with him.

It was weird listening  to him talk about me being in his future, I found myself saying that I didn’t know what I wanted to do with life as I live for the here and now. Which is partially true but when I think about my future, it involves my family business and I don’t see him being in my vision.

It’s  not the first time that he’s talked about me being in his future. What was even more mortifying was the night before when we got into a conversation about children, his mum started teasing him about having troubled Kids when he was a father. And then commented that even though I can’t have children I’d most probably adopt. To which I put them both straight, and I saw something in CB’s eyes that I’ve seen in many men before but usually on the 3rd date. It’s a question that they ask themselves about whether they could cope through life if they never had a family.

Some men can, but a huge majority can’t. Especially the hunter, gatherers and CB is one of those. I feel it would it only be denying him a huge part of himself if he didn’t have them. Perhaps that will be our natural end..

On a lighter more shocking note that very same morning after he’d pulled my robe apart and I’d climbed on him to have mad passionate sex – his ex girl friend happened to just drop in to pay CB’s mum a hello.  CB’s mum has a habit of collecting CB’s girlfriends.

Of all fecking days, I just been fucked senseless. Knots in my long hair and CB’s robe on. Only to find that he’d jumped in the shower and left  me to say the awkward hello’s to his ex and her bf. I quickly trotted to get my clothes out of the living room – got dressed and made myself look presentable.

She squared up to me and shuck my hand in a very bloke like manner. I didn’t sense any warmth…

It’s always interesting to see what ex’s look like. And CB protested all of that day that she was a lot thinner when he first met her. To be honest, I didn’t think she was his type but some years have passed and they were each other’s first sexual partners. I’ve heard stories about her before, and I thought I’D feel something if I ever met her. But I didn’t.

Any way she soon left and didn’t really say good bye to me but then again why would she.

It was fun winding CB up after, and I could see he was very embarrassed but he soon got over it. He then felt the need to tell me that next weekend (during his Mum’s birthday celebrations) a woman that he’s fucked twice when he was 17 and she was 30 was coming to the party. I suppose it was a good time to mention it considering we’re on ex’s.

This woman has to be around 37 now, and flipping heck it’s going to be awkward… or maybe not. Hopefully I won’t feel anything like I did with the EX!

All I know, is for the party I’ve to look extra hot on a just in case basis. But I’m not that insecure honest!

Love

L

 

Green eye!

If you read my last post, you’ll see I happened to check CB’s Facebook only to find him all over this blonde bird – well leaning against her, with head on her arm. Too close for comfort.

So I went to bed that night really pissed off and upset, I know they say men cheat when they don’t get attention (thanks MSN). And since I’ve not seen him for a month, that’s not gonna help.

He went to work in Ireland last week, and I’ve had a lot causal conversations on the phone with him. I just wanted to ask him about it, but then how did I explain that I was stalking him..

Until, the blond bird when and tagged CB’s brother in the picture too, I though YEAH that’s HOW. Then, I read the caption line..

” Me and my cuzins, at  (name) festival”

After a lot of research (stalking) it turns out that they are actually cousins and surely CB is not into his cousins is he?! But on today’s conversations, I did happen to mention that I’d seen his pictures from his Brother’s page. And I said they looked like they had a great time – he agreed and said yes and then told me about all of his family he’d met during the night.

There was no oddness about it, I didn’t sense anything. I think this time, this may have been me getting the green eye a little…

Any way I feel much better. I see him tomorrow for a little while which will be nice – but if it’s as hot as this, I think I’ll be having sex in the shower!!

In other news I’m going to the beach at the weekend,

WOAH!

Love

L

Got out on the wrong side this week…

Been in a very twitchy and awkward mood this week after the weekend. Biting everyone’s heads off so I’ve stayed in most of the time to avoid offending people.

Although had a nice day yesterday with a friend as we sat in the nearby park talking about boys, books, and friends. It was an uncomplicated day finished off by getting a 9inch pizza (one for each of us) and finishing it off on a bench whilst we watched the pigeons go by. It was a good day.

Today was a different story, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and can’t you tell. CB was due round for some afternoon delight yet I turned him down, told him I was ill and needed sleep.  He seemed OK about it and suggested he played DR… Those kind of fantasies never really work in real life. Because what they forget to leave out is the patient who’s not showered for days..

I politely declined. I got a phone call later this evening off him. It was an awkward conversation for about half of it because I could sense he had something on his mind… the he went and dropped in the letter. Apparently he’s got it. Dun Dun Durr..

So when I asked him his thoughts, he politely turn down my question and said he’d like to say his bit to me in person. Instantly, I crapped myself (not literally). I couldn’t think of a more uncomfortable situation than that!!!

All wasn’t bad – he said it was a nice letter. So that has to be something. It’s very easy when the shoes on my foot but now it’s not, I’m dreading his speech.

Any way, I’m off pole lessons Friday so I’m going to take all my frustrations out  on that.  Who thought I’d get such pleasure off a giant cold pole? lol.

Love,

L

Dear Freud…

Father’s day is always a time of year that makes me a little sad. The older I get, the less sad I get of course. I suppose it’s a time that I really look at the type of men that I choose to bestow my affections on. I mean, did his lack of attention and affection really make me who am I am today : sex mad commitment phobic?

Seems unfair that he should get all of the blame. I mean I do have choice of how I want to be, Seems too clichéd to blame the parents…

Yesterday was my double date with CB and his brother. My friend and the brother got on really well, which means we sneaked away to the upstairs toilets where we nearly go caught when I was dragging him into the ladies. The evils I got…

Sounds fun doesn’t it? But it wasn’t. Firstly he’d had a bad day (he was ripped off by some car place) and secondly I was convinced he’d got my letter even though he swore it had not come through. I sent to him 3 times and apparently it’s not got there. Is that the universes way of telling me something?

Any way after him being so obviously in  a bad mood, he suggested we take a walk to the nearby woods where we pulled up at the side of the road and had sex quite clearly in full view. Usually, I’d feel very excited!!

Accept this time I didn’t. It felt empty. It was quick.  And I didn’t even get chance to cum.  I actually felt used…

What didn’t help was the conversation we had on the way there. It went something like this …

Me : I had a really bad feeling you were going to finish with me this week.

Him : Why would you think that, that’s a bit random.

Me : I dunno, just a feeling I got.

Him : silence

No reassuring words or kisses nothing. So I’ve mentally prepared myself now on the just in case basis.

I spent most of the duration doing the talking with him, whilst he sits and feels sorry for himself about his bad situation that he’s in. I’m not heartless honest, I just can’t help people who don’t want to be helped.

Going back to my Dad, what does make me laugh is that I can cut him off at the age of 8 forever and not really feel anything. Yet when it comes to my lovers, it takes me a lot of shit to get rid. I can’t help but hold on.

It has been a year now, maybe we’re just getting bored with each other. And to those who are married for more than 3 years  hats off to you. Seeing CB has really made me question is it possible to stay with someone forever without getting bored?

Urgh thinking about it, is just boring me. Any way I’ve to get a grip, put things in perspective and give my career life more attention because it’s suffering again. You see this is why I don’t do relationships because I can’t seem to get the equilibrium in my life. Can any one?

Perhaps I need to help myself.

Any way if you are a father, have a great one and remember to impact in your children’s lives in a good way other wise they’ll end up like me.

Wishing you a good week,

Love,

L

The letter

Hello!

So after much panicing this week over whether CB took offence to my change of subject in the car (see previous post) I decided to write him (type) a letter (email) which I’ve sent yesterday..

I won’t bore you with details but it went a long the lines of telling him that I like him too, and I’m happy with what we’ve got. Because it’s easy and uncomplicated and I’ve no desire to go with any one else. My main point in my letter however was that we both have  huge aspects of our lives that needed attention and I didn’t want this to be neglected.  So I’ve pointed out that I want to carry it on.

I guess I don’t want this thing between me and CB to my entire universe! I’ve got a lot of good to do in this world and this means me not getting distracted. 

Also, in regards to any complaints all I said was that sometimes he’s got such a mystery around him that I don’t know what going on, and it would be nice for him to share at times.  I also mentioned that I feel it’s an effort for him to be with because we’re so different at times and to basically take me off my pedastool as even I am no angel! If only he read this… :O

So I feel better that I sent him this, the only thing is, he’s not great at checking his emails and I don’t know know whether to text him to alert him. That said, he could have  read it and doesn’t know what to say. After his offness on Sunday / Monday…

Any way I’m seeing him this weekend, because I’m setting his cousin up with a double date. Fingers crossed it goes well so me and CB can sneak away and get some sex!  But it will be weird if he has read it, because he’ll confront me about it, and I dislike speaking…

Oh well!

Have a great weekend,

Love

L

 

Sun, sea, sand & complicated feelings

Had an awesome weekend, the sun was just fabulous! Perfect for a beach trip, and so off we went to to the coast for some fun in the sun with CB and co. I’ve not seen CB for 2 weeks purely because I’ve been staying at his weekends and so it’s nice to have some space.

Any way it was a pleasant trip over the mountains to get to the coast, the conversation was great and  we were flirting like mad. And then he dropped in a question followed by a conversation that’s left me thinking on the matter for quite some time.

He said ‘ Are you happy?’ Quite a non specific question. I said ‘ In what way?’ to which he replied ‘life’ but somehow  I knew he was referring to us. And so I said I was happy with us, in terms of life there was a few things that I needed to work out but in general yes I am a happy person. Not content with the answer, he then went on to probe more about whether I was happy with him, and did I have complaints or improvements for him. Looking out the window, I strained my eyes and wished, I’d kept that little red lists of his past mistakes… But I’m just not that type of person.

I know I’ve moaned on here about the things he’s done etc but that was because it was in the moment and he’s since rectified them. I just couldn’t think of any improvement tips to give him. He then went on to say ” I’d really like to know if you’ve ever got something to say because I really really like you and…’ and I said ‘well I hope so, you are sleeping with me’ and then he said ‘yes but it’s a little something more than that, things change…’ it’s that part that left me hugely uncomfortable and I didn’t know what to say to him.

You see, over and over in my head when I’ve wanted him to be a bit more romantic or even more forth coming with his thoughts I’ve said to myself – he’s a friend and you don’t get intimate with friends and I guess that’s why I’m able to have unattached sex with him. When I start to think of him in boy friend terms all of these things he does. then makes me want to demand more off him.

And that’s just not me. I want to meet a person that I don’t have to change, or suggest improvement. I want to meet a person who appreciates their own self development and acknowledges change.

And I want to know what he meant about things changing. I know it’s different to other casual relationships I’ve had. For one, I’ve never become part of the family so much, and secondly I’ve actually stayed faithful to him for a whole year now (minus JF kisses  – that wasn’t anything). But I feel as though I’ve been lulled into false circumstances.

This time last year he was saying he wanted something casual, something light, fun etc etc yet I feel as though the boundaries have changed, especially on his part.

I did say I had trouble talking and expressing my feelings and that I could mainly do it better via letter and he suggested that I write him one.But what the hell would I say?

Off the record, I feel as though I’m falling in love with the wrong person. CB is wonderful in every way yet we share two different out looks on life and shouldn’t a successful partnership be based on the same out look?  And I don’t want the same out look just yet. I’m too young to settle, yet I don’t want to sleep around.

The more I see CB, the more I can’t imagine not having him in my life and that thought scares me.

Any way the sight of the sea made me forget about the butterfly feeling he’s left me with from his questions. The day was really really good, we ate ice cream, splashed in the sea, took a few pictures (which I will show you soon) and then we were the last to leave, so we went for a walk around the beach.

And he listened to me talk about a few life concerns that I have, and I’d forgot how much of good listener he was 🙂

You see it’s moment like these I love, I was enjoying the here and now and not having to think of the future. And then I see just how quick a year has gone, and I wonder how I’ll feel if I’m still with CB in the next few years…

Sometimes, I wish I never meet people who mean a lot to me, that way when I’ve to let them go, It doesn’t hurt as much.

It was nice to watch the sun set.

Love

L

 

 

Ireland, bears and youngster wanting to about town..

Dear all,

I’m like a bear with a sore head at the moment, I’ve teeth problems. Well just one, one that won’t come out. I just can’t face going the dentist but I know I’m going to have to soon. Any one else not fond of the big D ? ;-s

Today was good. I made a new friend and went for a long walk in some woods. I’ve been speaking to this friend for a good 3 -4 years now but we’ve never had the chance to meet up. It’s only since I’ve moved up to where he lives that he’s become a good friend. And before you ask, no benefits just a friend. The walk was good, it poured down and my head was matted to my face but my usual looking good city ways went  out of the window when I moved up here. That’s what I love about here, I can go out with mud on boots, I don’t even have to wash  – no one would notice! Although I don’t think I’ll try the no washing thing just in case… So yeah the walk did me good as it took my mind off the tooth situation.

JF text me the other day (just out of the blue, like he does) to tell me to ditch CB and get with him. I decided that even if JF was the last person on the planet, I wouldn’t. I deleted his number, and I swear to you – even if I get really, really, REALLY bored – he will NOT be contacted! It’s been 3 years since we’ve had this on /off communication thing and quite frankly it’s pointless. Another chapter closed!

My old fuddy turned friend also texted me yesterday asking me if he could come and visit me.  It’s been a year since I last saw him, and I miss him. Not like that, just miss talking to him. He’s driving now, which makes it easier for him to come see me but I was under the impression he was coming to see me on an Old buddy, old pal” basis. Yet his text message of he was looking forward to see my mouth, affirmed that actually it was not me he was interested in – just my benefits. I must be ill, but I told him under no circumstances would we be going back to how we  used to be.  I told him that I liked the arrangement with CB, I have it good and didn’t want to mess it up, Bless him he tried, he tried to tempt me with a 3sum proposal that he knew I’d be up for ( but that was a year ago – I’m changed these days.) Any way  he still insisted that he wanted to come see me as a friend, but as it happens I was called away to work. Another chapter temporarily closed!

And last weekend with CB. You may remember my whole whips and chains excite me idea.  Well, it didn’t happen to work out like that. After arriving there on Friday and having a quickie to make up 3 weeks of no sex before his friend got there, it turned out to be a late night of partying. On Saturday it was a lay in, breakfast in bed and a film with CB and then getting kidnapped by his Mum  to do some girly stuff. Saturday night consisted of me having really bad toothache and not really in the mood for anything kinky. So instead CB gave me a wonderful massage which turned in to hot sex. I’ve never had a man kneel on me and give me a massage whilst getting frisky with me – it brought me to new heights! Sunday consisted of more hot morning sex . . which the thing for me is, I’m too worried about my morning breath and  panda eyes  to enjoy half as much as CB does. Any other girl find this?  The sun was so glorious, too nice to stay inside so we all had cocktails on the garden and sun bathed. By the evening, I had a few driving lessons off the step dad which was FUN and went for a walk with the little brother whilst CB and older bro slept off the semi heat stroke they were suffering.  It was a really good weekend and I loved spending the alone time with CB – it made a difference, but I was a little disappointed at the no kink stuff…

Any way I did get a call of him the other day to tell me that his work is going to be taking him to Ireland. Ireland?! Nooooo. That means no sex :,( It must have showed in my voice because he quickly said ” It’s all hotels and paid for by the company, meaning you can come with me… ” My clit jumped for joy 😉

So it means I’m going to be going with him on his travels and I can work from my laptop. I mean, not all of the time because I have commitments here.  But I can’t lie how delighted that I am to be staying in a hotel with free food and sex on tap.. I sort of feel as though I’m an escort? Could be a good fantasy though… 😉

So that brings us to bank holiday weekend and I’m supposed to be going out with a new bunch of girl mates, they’re all a good 4 years younger than me. And love to go out on the town and tbh it’s not really my thing but I agreed to meet them for a few drinks. And then, CB is picking me up Sunday and I’m staying  with him till Monday.

Maybe the kink tap will be turned on? I live in hope.

So whatever you’re doing this weekend, may you do it well with someone great 😉

Love

L

Give me some sex!

Gosh, it’s Friday and I’m very glad!

It’s been a very busy working week that’s involved lots of public speaking, representing myself and trying to make good impressions. You should know I detest public speaking, and talking to strangers – the thought makes me physically sick! But I’m glad to report, it was so bad… I made some useful contacts this week. It’s all pushing yourself out of your comfort zone even when you do loose breath mid sentence, and the entire rooms look at you as though you’re in need of an inhaler.

 

Any way, It’s been a whole 3 weeks since I’ve gotten my end away and I’ve resorted to desperate measures : PORN. It’s not all bad, I’m rather impressed with how much effort goes in the whole act. I wish real sex was like that . . .

I’d not seen or heard of CB for the duration of the 3 weeks well apart from a few texts, but that doesn’t count. I think it’s our schedule that’s prevented us getting it on. Rather depressing! Although with a call in the week asking me if I was free the weekend was a sure sign I was getting ‘some. It was this morning I realised the extent of how much I’m going to be getting, or supposedly (we know how that turned out last time.)  His voice said . .  Bring your camera, and your toys. I’ve some to add to yours – see you at 5… I went weak at the knees! Could it be finally that CB is going to show his more dominant side.. I’ve been waiting for many moons! He may of also mentioned something about me being his sex slave, but I can’t quite remember – I was too busy trying to concentrate on holding the phone.

Gosh, it sounds desperate ! Do I really sex to function? Probably, Yes, Yes, Yes!

And then last night JF text to ask what I was doing the weekend. I didn’t text back. I’ve decided that although I’m not exclusive to CB;  JF is not a patch on him and I wouldn’t want to do anything to upset the balance. JF is only interested because it’s a challenge for him – he’s a bit too childish for my liking.  This time, on my better judgement – I’m going to pass.

SO, I bid you a lovely evening and weekend!

Love.

L

 

And I’m feeling ….. gurd!

Quick up date..

I’ve not seen CB for a while. Apart from a quick stop a few weeks ago to get a shower at mine for a works do. Other than that, I’ve not been in the mood.

I’ve been going out a lot to places I’ve never been before and really using my camera and getting to grips with how to use it. Got some good pics but not good enough to show you yet..  I’ve also joined Salsa which is just brilliant – I’m even taken part in a competition in a few months! I’m fed up with CB being able to pull the moves and I’m all stiff (not in a good way).

I’ve made a few new friends in my home town too which is nice because I’m planning my holidays with them this summer. I forgot how nice it is to have friends. Since moving up here, I’ve been busy with the trees and sheep to notice how lonely it feels now and then. Don’t get me wrong, I love my own space and my own company (too much sometimes) but it is nice to share a day out or two.  In particular, one of the friends I’ve met is a photographer and a very creative soul. He’s an interesting chap – and don’t get the wrong idea just because he is a he. It’s purely platonic. I can have male mates without jumping in the sack with them. ( I think) So we’re planning on a walk in the countryside soon, he lives in the next town from me. He lives in Sheffield but is coming home to roost whilst he saves for future adventures.

Business have been good too, after one of my big contracts going awol it really panicked me into constantly finding new clients. Which is good, because it means I don’t complacent which I have been. If anything it’s really kicked my act in to gear! I’ve been over coming many factors concerning fears such as public speaking, organisation and so forth. So I’m doing lots of things to move myself forward and it’s such a nice feeling to have when you’ve achieved something.

It’s funny life has been pretty nice and full and I find myself  not really thinking of CB too much. There was a time (when I first met him and was besotted) that I couldn’t imagine not seeing or thinking about him. Coming to think about it, my life wasn’t full enough and I had too much time on my paws.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the sexy time and the ego stroke he gives me. But a man or woman for that matter should never be your island.

My work, and the country side is my island.

In other news, I FINALLY got chance to catch up with my two favourite series : a secret diary of a call girl and Californication. Coming to think of it maybe that’s why I’ve not been so sex mad with CB.. I’ve it right on my screen and I don’t have to look good to feeeeel goooood. 😉

Any way I bid you on a churpy note good bye for now…

Love,

L

Swingers and Roundabouts

After my sex club talk with JF early this month, and his crappiness of never even getting back to me. (FYI, I’m never going to entertain his face again – he’s a waist of time and effort!) It left me with a curiosity of swinging and all things kinky.

So I went as far as having a look online and checking a few out, you know, the pros, the cons, the what to do, the not what to do. It made me tingle a little and I wondered whether it was subject that I should explore not to mention breach with the old fuck buddy.

So I’m kissing him on the sofa one night when I asked him whether he’d ever been to a swingers club. And he wouldn’t answer, I said I took that as a yes but he then said no. I asked him whether he would swing, and his defences got up high. He’s a typical alpha male, and likes to be in control meaning he doesn’t like to share. Then I gave him some bullshit about watching a program about swingers (when I hadn’t). It was just to give more depth to the conversation, rather than him just assuming that I was asking him to go swing with me in roundabout way. ( I was.)

He didn’t seem keen on the idea, yet when I mentioned there was nights where you could couples could just girls, oh how he was up for that. He knows that I’m into girls big time, but the thought of having a 3sum with him makes me all territorial. So I thought being able to have sex with guys would even it up for both of us. How I was wrong, he’s just not interested which is a big shame as he’s missing out on some great viewing action…

Then again maybe this whole swinging story is just a route for disaster. I can see what would happen, he’d get too involved with a girl, I’d get pissed off and look for a willing bloke to then just fuck to piss CB off. Result one another never talking to each again.

I guess some fantasies should just stay fantasies. And then again, it’s something I can explore in the future when I’m single again I guess.

One thing that did make me ponder… when I told him that I don’t think I’d be keen on having a 3sum as I’d be a little too territorial. He began to laugh and said ‘getting protective are we, a little jealous, I like it!’.

Strange man.

Anyway I’m keen to hear if anyone has ever gone into swinging? What was it like?

Love.

L