Had an awesome weekend, the sun was just fabulous! Perfect for a beach trip, and so off we went to to the coast for some fun in the sun with CB and co. I’ve not seen CB for 2 weeks purely because I’ve been staying at his weekends and so it’s nice to have some space.
Any way it was a pleasant trip over the mountains to get to the coast, the conversation was great and we were flirting like mad. And then he dropped in a question followed by a conversation that’s left me thinking on the matter for quite some time.
He said ‘ Are you happy?’ Quite a non specific question. I said ‘ In what way?’ to which he replied ‘life’ but somehow I knew he was referring to us. And so I said I was happy with us, in terms of life there was a few things that I needed to work out but in general yes I am a happy person. Not content with the answer, he then went on to probe more about whether I was happy with him, and did I have complaints or improvements for him. Looking out the window, I strained my eyes and wished, I’d kept that little red lists of his past mistakes… But I’m just not that type of person.
I know I’ve moaned on here about the things he’s done etc but that was because it was in the moment and he’s since rectified them. I just couldn’t think of any improvement tips to give him. He then went on to say ” I’d really like to know if you’ve ever got something to say because I really really like you and…’ and I said ‘well I hope so, you are sleeping with me’ and then he said ‘yes but it’s a little something more than that, things change…’ it’s that part that left me hugely uncomfortable and I didn’t know what to say to him.
You see, over and over in my head when I’ve wanted him to be a bit more romantic or even more forth coming with his thoughts I’ve said to myself – he’s a friend and you don’t get intimate with friends and I guess that’s why I’m able to have unattached sex with him. When I start to think of him in boy friend terms all of these things he does. then makes me want to demand more off him.
And that’s just not me. I want to meet a person that I don’t have to change, or suggest improvement. I want to meet a person who appreciates their own self development and acknowledges change.
And I want to know what he meant about things changing. I know it’s different to other casual relationships I’ve had. For one, I’ve never become part of the family so much, and secondly I’ve actually stayed faithful to him for a whole year now (minus JF kisses – that wasn’t anything). But I feel as though I’ve been lulled into false circumstances.
This time last year he was saying he wanted something casual, something light, fun etc etc yet I feel as though the boundaries have changed, especially on his part.
I did say I had trouble talking and expressing my feelings and that I could mainly do it better via letter and he suggested that I write him one.But what the hell would I say?
Off the record, I feel as though I’m falling in love with the wrong person. CB is wonderful in every way yet we share two different out looks on life and shouldn’t a successful partnership be based on the same out look? And I don’t want the same out look just yet. I’m too young to settle, yet I don’t want to sleep around.
The more I see CB, the more I can’t imagine not having him in my life and that thought scares me.
Any way the sight of the sea made me forget about the butterfly feeling he’s left me with from his questions. The day was really really good, we ate ice cream, splashed in the sea, took a few pictures (which I will show you soon) and then we were the last to leave, so we went for a walk around the beach.
And he listened to me talk about a few life concerns that I have, and I’d forgot how much of good listener he was 🙂
You see it’s moment like these I love, I was enjoying the here and now and not having to think of the future. And then I see just how quick a year has gone, and I wonder how I’ll feel if I’m still with CB in the next few years…
Sometimes, I wish I never meet people who mean a lot to me, that way when I’ve to let them go, It doesn’t hurt as much.
It was nice to watch the sun set.
Love
L
High Heels To Wellies 