Goodbye

This morning, the final thing to make my week the worst it’s ever been happened.

I’m at my worst peak in debt, business, relationships and family. I can’t take any more.

I don’t know where i’m heading and my direction is lost.

I’ve never been like this and I feel pretty low.

What makes me sad even more is looking back at this blog, and looking at how pathetic, dependent and moany I’ve become about someone who meant a lot to me.

I’ve waited nearly a year on just shit and now it’s time for my wake up call.

Because of this, I’ve decided that this blog is going to be shut down. Writing about it doesn’t help if anything it escalates it.

I’d just like to thank everyone that’s followed and commented. Your thoughts and kind words have been appreciated – especially you TRG.

I’ve book marked most of your blogs so I’ll be sure to return to have a read.

In the mean time I need to find a way of getting up from the mud patch I’m in.

Good bye for now,

Love

L

XXX

4 days and a broken heart!

It’s been 4 days since i’ve had no contact. 4 whole days. It’s so fecking hard! I’ve stupidly sent him so many texts.  Starting from very angry. pissed off, mildly annoyed, to soppy lets make up.

After the 1st  4 messages I got ” I’m in no state of mind to talk, speak later in week”. I”m pleased to say that I stopped msging him and resorted to sleepless nights and crying. What the hell’s wrong with with me?! Men  don’t get me like this!

I just feel so frustrated that it wasn’t my fault and I wished I would have dealt with it differently rather than just walking away.

And then today I sent a ” I know you don’t want to talk and that’ fine. I know you’ve a lot on your plate, But just though i’d say I hate bad feeling, I miss you and when  you do feel like talking, come and visit me”

Don’t know whether I should have said that after all I am so annoyed at him but I don’t feel like I want to let him go just yet. I honestly feel as though I’ve a broken heart… I know he’s stubborn and I’ve seen him walk away from things very easily. He’s very like me and that’s what I’m worried about.

Urgh, cake time… comfort food.

 

 

 

 

Could it be the end?

What an awful weekend…Well Friday.

I’ll start from the end – me and CB kind of had a big big row. We’ve never argued and it looks like we’ve split!

The beginning goes like this.. I was at his Mum’s Birthday party, everything was going great till his performing arts partner arrived at the party. He’s danced with her for a few years so they’re naturally close. But as the evening progressed he stayed with her, chatted with her, tended to her drinking and food  needs and completely ignored me. I was shocked, confused and devastated. He was so into this woman, and just didn’t acknowledge me.  I felt like such a gooseberry, nearly everyone was in couples so I did what I do best. I went and hung around with the lads i.e the brothers and the friend (that friend he was jealous about)

It completely ruined my night to see the person I care about, care about somebody else. He walked past me without even a hello. I went to bed early because I couldn’t stop crying, which then alerted to the hostess that I wasn’t enjoying myself and she took it upon herself to decided the whole party was a disaster.

We didn’t sleep together nor talk, and I left early the next morning – I just needed to get out of there. He’d ended up trying to talk to me early hours at the party but I was so livid that I blanked him! He also had an argument with his dance partner because they did a performance and they were so drunk, that they made a hash of it, and so it resulted in an argument. Although the next morning, he went and said hello to her and that just even devastated me even more – I thought we were friends. Friends don’t do that.

When I got home, I sent him a msg to tell him that I was so pissed off about the situation. The reply that I got I was NOT expecting it..

Apparently what had  set him off was that two people came over to him and told him what a great couple me and his mate made, and so he had to explain  it was CB and me that we’re dating, Apparently as soon as the friend arrived, I wasn’t interested in him. So he basically felt like a twat, neglected and humiliated (his words.) So he basically used his dance partner to make me jealous. I was and still am convinced that they’re sleeping together – it really makes me upset to think this.

So I must have sent a novel back saying that I was so disappointed that he had such a low opinion of me.   And how childish that he used this girl to attempt to make me jealous. I said that I was also asked about being one of his younger brothers gf and I couldn’t help that people presume. I didn’t help when he was so busy the rest of the evening.. I said that his jealousy was getting in the way and I was really pissed off with him! And left it like that. I don’t think I was over reacting, in fact I think it was him that was over reacting!!

The next morning, on reflection I began to go through the list of events that could have made him think they way it does. I kind of had a aha moment.  It didn’t help when we were in the kitchen and he was giving me affection that I pulled away when his mate arrived, I didn’t do it on purpose. I did stay with him all night because I felt such a gooseberry and uncomfortable. I went to bed early because I was so upset. This morning I was about to send another msg (because he’s not answered my others) to explain. I even was going to go as far and say that it it makes it easier I’ll stop coming around when his mates there.

But should I sacrifice a friend just because he’s got issues? First this mate, but what about others. Does he expect me to give up future friends too because if his jealousy?

We’ve never argued, but i know from his past arguments with friends that he’s very stubborn. I don’t feel as though I was in the wrong so I shouldn’t apologies. All it would have taken is for him to say something and this could have been sorted out.

I can honestly say I’ve never ever wanted to be hugged so much that night, I felt so low and rejected – and it’s not feelings that I’m used to or plan on getting used to either.

I really don’t know what to do…

Love,

L

Back to the future and return to the past

So I’ve been living at CB’s for the past few weeks, we’ve been going to the beach with the family and having lots of summery days out. It’s been very pleasant and there’s been lots of laughter!

The other morning, it was a Sunday morning (my favourite) we were lying in bed chatting casually and we got on to the subjects of jobs . He’s been talking about applying for a knew one of late as he’s not happy, and the one he’s gone for means alot to him.  Not only does it mean a huge pay rise but it means he gets to travel a bit more. He told me that he’d like to never have a Winter again and plans to have 6 months in the UK and 6 months is New Zealand.  Which then brought him onto the subject of my job. He told me I was really lucky that I did the work that I did, because I was able to move around whenever I liked and said that I could do the same with him.

It was weird listening  to him talk about me being in his future, I found myself saying that I didn’t know what I wanted to do with life as I live for the here and now. Which is partially true but when I think about my future, it involves my family business and I don’t see him being in my vision.

It’s  not the first time that he’s talked about me being in his future. What was even more mortifying was the night before when we got into a conversation about children, his mum started teasing him about having troubled Kids when he was a father. And then commented that even though I can’t have children I’d most probably adopt. To which I put them both straight, and I saw something in CB’s eyes that I’ve seen in many men before but usually on the 3rd date. It’s a question that they ask themselves about whether they could cope through life if they never had a family.

Some men can, but a huge majority can’t. Especially the hunter, gatherers and CB is one of those. I feel it would it only be denying him a huge part of himself if he didn’t have them. Perhaps that will be our natural end..

On a lighter more shocking note that very same morning after he’d pulled my robe apart and I’d climbed on him to have mad passionate sex – his ex girl friend happened to just drop in to pay CB’s mum a hello.  CB’s mum has a habit of collecting CB’s girlfriends.

Of all fecking days, I just been fucked senseless. Knots in my long hair and CB’s robe on. Only to find that he’d jumped in the shower and left  me to say the awkward hello’s to his ex and her bf. I quickly trotted to get my clothes out of the living room – got dressed and made myself look presentable.

She squared up to me and shuck my hand in a very bloke like manner. I didn’t sense any warmth…

It’s always interesting to see what ex’s look like. And CB protested all of that day that she was a lot thinner when he first met her. To be honest, I didn’t think she was his type but some years have passed and they were each other’s first sexual partners. I’ve heard stories about her before, and I thought I’D feel something if I ever met her. But I didn’t.

Any way she soon left and didn’t really say good bye to me but then again why would she.

It was fun winding CB up after, and I could see he was very embarrassed but he soon got over it. He then felt the need to tell me that next weekend (during his Mum’s birthday celebrations) a woman that he’s fucked twice when he was 17 and she was 30 was coming to the party. I suppose it was a good time to mention it considering we’re on ex’s.

This woman has to be around 37 now, and flipping heck it’s going to be awkward… or maybe not. Hopefully I won’t feel anything like I did with the EX!

All I know, is for the party I’ve to look extra hot on a just in case basis. But I’m not that insecure honest!

Love

L

 

Shit got real…

Had the most wonderful weekend at the beach. I haven’t swam in the sea for a good 10 years and the last time was Malta. This time it was Wales, but I’ve not seen clear blue / green waters ever since and I certainly wouldn’t have expected it in Wales – but it was fabulous!

Sadly CB couldn’t come because of work but his two brother and friend came, it was like the 4 Musketeers. The sun hot, the water cool, and the views spectacular. When we all got back about 10pm we couldn’t just stop raving on about it.

I went to bed that night with huge smile on my face. CB got in about 2pm and I heard him come to bed but I was too zonked to open my eyes.  The next morning we’d arranged to go again but I think we were all a little sun kissed from Saturday’s events.

Instead me, CB and bro decided to go for a drive to the local river for a dip and chill but we ended up going for a drive instead. I was really hoping to sneak away for summer fun, but with the bro in the back it wasn’t going to happen..

Finally when we got back, we nipped away into the nearby woods and found a lovely hill to ‘chill’ out on and look up at the beautiful sky. All was beautiful, until I decided to ask a question that had been bugging me that weekend.

His Mum the previous day had mentioned that CB had been talking to her about how pissed off  he was about myself and his friend. Basically when I met his friend, I realised at how cool this guy was and so I happen to mention it to CB. According to him, I’d said it quite a bit. It didn’t help that I added him on FB and have been talking to him a lot. I know it doesn’t look good, but I can assure it’s all innocent. I genuinely get on with men more than women so I’m used to having guy friends and this wasn’t no different.

Well I didn’t pick up on him being pissed off, and I didn’t even click a few weeks back when he was in a mood for the entire weekend – the same one when I first met his friend.

So after sex, I approached the subject with him and he told me what was on his mind. I listened, and I agreed with him because I could see where he was coming from. But then I reassured him that I didn’t fancy his friend etc etc. Then he told me about his mate passing comment about CB only wanting me when he wants and kept on going on about how we’d talk through the weeks etc. CB said that it had pissed him off because it seemed I’d no time to talk or see him yet I’d been chatting to him.  Coming to think about, it had been 3 weeks since I’d last saw him and it’s bit weird of his mater to be going on about me..

Then again, CB is naturally jealous and this can lead to things being misunderstood. Looking at it from a non jealous person, it looks at though his mate is just being friendly and maybe wants to reassure CB that I’m cool and he likes me, and accepts me as one of the gang.

Any way that conversation lead to a much deeper on, and he started asking me whether I had anything on my mind and this time I couldn’t hold it back – i just said it as it was.i mentioned how I feel that the newness has gone, and I don’t feel as thought there’s any thought in to what goes on between us. He made a money comment as hes going through financial difficulty at the moment.  I told him that money was not the issue, as money can’t buy thoughtfulness… I also told him to stop acting like a spoilt brat and start being more grateful.   It felt really wonderful to be truthful with him and I feel as though we crossed another barrier.

Although the part that did scare me was when he told me how much he liked me. I swear his eyes went googly and he looked as thought he going to confess is undying love for me.. It didn’t help when I got back later, ad his mum happened to mentioned that he’d been talking to her about how much he liked me and that he was scared..

It may sound dramatic but CB doesn’t express emotions like that, so when he tells this to his Mum, I know it’s real.

And it saddens me it really does, because the more I know him, the more that I like him and care for him.  We don’t share any of the same values, we want different things. He wants children and I don’t.In fact me having children is like him turning veggi – and that’s never going to happen.

I feel frustrated at the fact I’m falling for someone that’s completely wrong for me and feel powerless at severing what we have now because I am really enjoying the moment.

I know I’m going to have a broken heart in the long run, but now feels so good.

Love

L

Green eye!

If you read my last post, you’ll see I happened to check CB’s Facebook only to find him all over this blonde bird – well leaning against her, with head on her arm. Too close for comfort.

So I went to bed that night really pissed off and upset, I know they say men cheat when they don’t get attention (thanks MSN). And since I’ve not seen him for a month, that’s not gonna help.

He went to work in Ireland last week, and I’ve had a lot causal conversations on the phone with him. I just wanted to ask him about it, but then how did I explain that I was stalking him..

Until, the blond bird when and tagged CB’s brother in the picture too, I though YEAH that’s HOW. Then, I read the caption line..

” Me and my cuzins, at  (name) festival”

After a lot of research (stalking) it turns out that they are actually cousins and surely CB is not into his cousins is he?! But on today’s conversations, I did happen to mention that I’d seen his pictures from his Brother’s page. And I said they looked like they had a great time – he agreed and said yes and then told me about all of his family he’d met during the night.

There was no oddness about it, I didn’t sense anything. I think this time, this may have been me getting the green eye a little…

Any way I feel much better. I see him tomorrow for a little while which will be nice – but if it’s as hot as this, I think I’ll be having sex in the shower!!

In other news I’m going to the beach at the weekend,

WOAH!

Love

L

That moment when you see your lover sprawled over some blonde bird..

Not seen CB for a while, we’ve been like passing ships in the night. Partly because of work and I’ve not been feeling well. His mate is down from the Netherlands too so it means  many a parties for them.

Last night he text me, he was very drunk, and told me he was missing me and that we needed to start seeing one another more. That was fine with me, so I replied back with a yes I miss you too, and we need to sort that out – come fuck me soon and I’m going out. I’d told him that I was away this weekend, purely because I know he’s  living the high life and I don’t want to appear sad…

Any way,  I got a call of him this morning which I ignored because I was half asleep. Followed by a message saying morning, babe, I’m really sorry. I’ll phone you later. So I checked my Facebook to see if he’d drunk texted me any further and there was nothing there. What could there possibly be, to be sorry for?

And so he phoned again, and I asked and he said that he woke up with a bad feeling and remembered texting me. So I said there’s was nothing untoward.

Any way this evening I ‘happened’ to be on FB on his page, well actually I was on his Mum’s page (because me and CB are not friends via FB and for good reason) and I saw a picture of him and this girl. It was whilst they were out.

CB’s brother was in the picture too. He was at once side with his arm around this girl, and CB was on the other side  – her back was facing him, and seemed to be leaning into her, with his head on her shoulder…

From further investigation (yes I’m a stalker) it turns out this girl is the sister of the friend that they  were out with last night.

So it could have just been a friendly photo, but it looked a little too close for comfort. And now it makes me wonder if something happened between them last night and that was why he’d apologised  this morning? Am I being paranoid?

I was never invited to this weekend festival they’ve gone too because apparently CB didn’t want me to see him drunk. But now I know of this girl perhaps he didn’t want us to meet?

I can’t although see him going there, because it’s his mates sister and considering his mate has just recently become good friends with me – surely it would be dangerous territory?

And you may ask why I care, or maybe a little jealous? Well, I expect my friends to be straight up with me and considering his no other people policy… I’d be pretty pissed off that I’ve not slept with anyone else for an entire year.

Maybe that needs to change!

L

Mr Kinky Boots

Well it was all very fun with CB last night. I was quite worried after the letter that I sent him, it would be awkward.

It was a little. I greeted him with nothing but some black and red lace, and a smile. He was a very hot and bothered CB because of the heat out side (I’d like to say it was me.) I’ve not seen him in a while, so I was expecting him to jump me, but he didn’t. He instead decided to have a casual conversation whilst I’m standing in my underwear. I swore he did it on purpose.

Finally he took me to the bedroom, and we continued out love affair whilst we both sweated away a few pounds I’m sure.  45 minutes later, and lots of salts lost I was knackered and couldn’t continue to be fucked yoga style any longer – he couldn’t come. He’d over thought it again.

Any way when it came to pole dancing, the little so and so tried to get out of it but I wasn’t having any of it.  Rather funny to watch him squirm when the teacher told him he had to take his jeans off. And of course, I’d told him of my teacher crush, so that was a bit awkward.

I didn’t know how I felt having him there, usually that’s my space where I get all silly, and sometimes sexy but never conscious of any one watching. And of course as soon as he’s on  the pole, he was amazing. He was upside down, doing spins, superman / flag pole stances and I was utterly jealous!

You know he’s muscle bound with him being a dancer in his spare time, so it was only natural that this was another thing he’d take in his stride. And there’s me doing basic spins.  What did make me chuckle though is that he admitted to thinking that I was baby when I’d hurt myself.

And then he tried it, and he was nearly crying himself. He admired that he respected any girl for doing it. Get in! Eat that one Mr CB show off 😉

Any way I tried  my best to be sexy, but then eventually I dropped the act because at the end of the day I’m still learning, and the sexiness comes last! I did catch him watching me though I swore he was getting horny!!

At the end, we went to get some food and he admitted that he was worried because he didn’t know where to look and was worried that I’d be all territorial.  I admitted that I’m not a jealous person, and I’m secure enough in myself to let him look – hell I do!

To cut a long story short, he never told me what he was going to say in reply to my email. He simply just changed the subject and said he didn’t want to talk about it. It couldn’t have been that bad after all…

Oh and somehow I managed to rope myself into giving a public performance in a few months of the routines we’ve been learning in class. I am going to pole dance for the public?!!! I’m crazy, but it’s just so damn fun 😉

So I quit the gym and signed up to that 3 times a week.

Love,

L

Miss Kinky Boots

I’ve bee attending pole dancing lessons for 3 weeks now and I’m pretty good! If I do say so myself. I can’t believe just how sexy I feel when that pole is in my grip…

Any way, I’m taking CB with me tomorrow. Not for him to watch, but he’s going to participate. haha!

Should be fun…

The lad who goes, is always bringing stuff to dress up in and he brought these amazing paint and leather boots in. Naturally I had to try them on… what do you think?

 

 

From a practical point of view, they great for holding ones self up on the cold piece of metal…

Love,

L

Change of head is a change of heart for the greater good!

‘You’ve changed’, she said but not in accusing way just a statement. And isn’t my Mum right.

I have.

I’ve spent 2 years on myself really looking at my values, my vision, my lessons and most of all making up for the crappy stuff I’ve done. Those two years where bliss because I could see the difference in myself. My heart-felt good, my head light and my soul blissfully happy.

And then something happened over the last year that changed me into the person I am now, and I really don’t like me, I’m nearly back to my old, old self.

My mum used to call me a magical manifestress because I used to be able to get whatever I wanted with ease, I was grateful and honest and happy.

And this how I want to be now.  I want to start only concerning myself with the things that matter and contribute to the overall success of my life. This ungrateful  insecure, and over thinking woman who I’ve become is not the real me.

I’m quick to blame those around for me influencing me however I gently remind myself that… the true test of your character is when you’re around those whom are opposite to you.

So I’m glad my Mum told me that today because it’s that, that has made me consciously realise that it’s time to take a few step backwards in to the good side of my past for me to bring it back into the here and now. Not to mention the future.

Love,

L