Change of head is a change of heart for the greater good!

‘You’ve changed’, she said but not in accusing way just a statement. And isn’t my Mum right.

I have.

I’ve spent 2 years on myself really looking at my values, my vision, my lessons and most of all making up for the crappy stuff I’ve done. Those two years where bliss because I could see the difference in myself. My heart-felt good, my head light and my soul blissfully happy.

And then something happened over the last year that changed me into the person I am now, and I really don’t like me, I’m nearly back to my old, old self.

My mum used to call me a magical manifestress because I used to be able to get whatever I wanted with ease, I was grateful and honest and happy.

And this how I want to be now.  I want to start only concerning myself with the things that matter and contribute to the overall success of my life. This ungrateful  insecure, and over thinking woman who I’ve become is not the real me.

I’m quick to blame those around for me influencing me however I gently remind myself that… the true test of your character is when you’re around those whom are opposite to you.

So I’m glad my Mum told me that today because it’s that, that has made me consciously realise that it’s time to take a few step backwards in to the good side of my past for me to bring it back into the here and now. Not to mention the future.

Love,

L

I choose to have great family relationships, and a great life.

( I’ve been posting a lot more than usual lately. So I apologise for the excess of content, I would also like to raise your attention that there’s some things in this post that you may not agree with – but I don’t mean any disrespect or bad feeling: this is just how I live my life)

The past 

For years, I’ve been bottling up my feelings about my Father and his family. The story goes like this, he cheated on my Mum for 10 years, she wasn’t perfect, and they argued a lot. He never came to terms with having a child, especially  a girl and they both settled down far too young.  When I was 9 they split up, and my Father promised to do everything he could to see me. Mum didn’t stop him, although he’d hurt her deeply she made every effort to encourage me to see him. And so for the next 5 years or so there was a constant battle between me and him we’ll call him K. He took me out a few times during my teenage years, paid child care to my mum but boy did he not let us forget and sent the odd Birthday Day card. Meanwhile I was growing up, and becoming my own person and ultimately decided that I actually didn’t like him. Not  because of his lack of appearance in my life, but just the person he was. So I cut him off, call it a teenage phase.

I instead continued to keep in contact with my Grandparents. Whom were great – they were there for me financially. Then they were very rich with their own business, and so I could have what ever I wanted. Yet they were never there emotionally – they frowned upon my mum’s decision on home schooling, and my Nan always had a tendency to  accept what K had done.   My Grandparents each came with their own set of issues . Both were prejudice, at times I’d say Racist. I’d have to hide my ethnic friends, and listen to their nasty comments about people who were different. My Granddad was an ex recovering alcoholic  who eventually went back to it, lost his business and walked all over my Nan and got her into some bad financial difficulties – of course like the dutiful wife, she stayed with him, and loved him ; mind, body and soul. I’m sure she had her reasons.

The near present 

At aged 18, I’d decided that I’d had enough with listening to my Nan complain about my Granddad and actually not do anything about it.I’d listened to her complaints since I was 13 and seen her upset many a times.  He still drank, she still supported him, and she was never really interested in my life. I always remember at age 20, when I’d just made company director, I told her of my news and she moved off the subject.  It may have not been big news in her life, but I thought you were supposed to be happy for others, those that you care about?  So I stopped phoning, and I stopped visiting just like that. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her why – was it fair to point out all her wrong doings? Probably not. Yet was it fair to punish her for something she had no awareness of? Probably not either.

Then I read the book The Secret by Rhonda Bryne and it changed my life completely.  It allowed me to realise that everything that had happened in my life, was just a manifestation of my thoughts and my own doing. No, I’m not blaming my self for others actions because we can not control other people, but we can control how we react. I realised that I’d put up with all of their behaviour for too many a years. Perhaps those years where me being a child, and I didn’t really know how to deal with it. Yet in my adult years, on reflection I now know how to deal with it, which now brings me to the future. Still I felt so much guilt for cutting off ‘my family’ and battled with should I or should I not see them. Had they changed?

The Future 

K got in touch with me a few weeks ago. He’d had a nervous break down, and was looking for forgiveness. I will say this once and only once : there is no such thing as depression. Depression is a manifestation of your body and mind refusing to accept what has been, and the reality that things need to change. You can say it’s because of your parents, or it’s because of your job, or it’s because of your pet badger under the stairs.

Remember this… No one controls you, you control every thought, feeling and emotion in your body that is manifesting the life you are living now. Once you can grasp that idea, and it may seem very hash for you at first, but once you do, it will be the most empowering thing you can ever do for yourself.

I told K that I’d forgiven him. Which I have. From reading the likes of Louise Hay (another wonderful Author)  I understand that him and my Grandparents where doing the best that they could at the given time, with the given knowledge that they had. But it was time for him to really forgive himself and start living in the here  and now. I added this because his streams of messages of how he thought he’d done his best, and that he was young and stupid affirmed that he was projecting his own issues on to me. These have been resolved a long time ago for me, and I did this by accepting what’s done is done – and how I react, and deal with things in a constructive, and minus the poor me mode will determine just how fulfilling my life is.

I recommended him The Secret, which I would urge any one to read… only  to be told that I was not a professional in the matter of depression and that I didn’t understand. I simply told him that he surround himself with a good positive and supporting networking, who concentrates on where they want to be and to take note of the small things in life, and be grateful for his life, and existing family as he’ll only get more. I told him how wonderful my day had been today – smelling flowers, paying attention to the sound of the wind, bees and kids in the park. And most of all how grateful I was for life and that I wish him the state of being that I feel most of the time.

And then I blocked him via FB, and made a conscious effort to never contact him or my Grandparents again  Whilst I fully forgive, and understand I also remind myself that people who bring out a negative emotion in myself is not good for my well-being or any one else. Therefore the best thing to do is to pass the message of self change on, and then move on.

As the Dalai Lama said to me once : forgive the spiritual being and react to the human being.

I decided to let go of the guilt because I see how it manifest as dis -ease in your body, and I want to live a happy and healthy life. Most of all, I wish them all love and hope that one day , just one day he will understand my way of being, and realise that the best thing any one can do  is accept the past is over and take full responsibility to actions and thoughts.

It’s not about wearing rose tinted spectacles, and blaming it on hippy ways of peace, joy and love. Whilst these of the main aspects of human life may I just add. But it’s about looking at things different and building up a list of solution focused questions to ask yourself and ultimately change the way you think and live.

It comes down to choice. You are the ONLY person that can make it.

With love,

L

 

 

It’s not a phase I’m going through…

Well TRG you were right…

Sometimes you just have to go in search for the  motivation, and being ill wasn’t helping.

After booking myself in for a facial and pedicure this morning (which was simply divine by the way) I spent a good long while asking myself what was wrong.

Lets face it, when we say we don’t know, deep down we do. We don’t need any one in this life, answering our so called problems. We all know the route of them, we just have to dig at times.

And I found the answer to mine… I need a hobby. Apart from sex.

I turned my number one hobby into a career, I’ve become very good at it . Although because it’s now a form of income, the pressure I put myself under to make a good income at times can take the creative expression out of it.  For me, job satisfaction and enjoyment is a huge priority in my life. Especially since I work a lot of the time.

My new chosen hobby is : taking pictures. I went out today and bought a semi – professional camera which was reduced (bonus) and decided that I wanted to embark down the photography route – for purely pleasure. I want to learn a knew skill, something I don’t know anything about – the newness excites me.

Although my Mum did make an interesting comment today whilst over lunch. She said that I’ve an addiction to new things, and a tendency to get bored. She’s always noticed it with hobbies, and things that I buy. Apparently I get distracted easily.

Isn’t that what creative minds do? I’m a bit like a magpie. I like shiny things ( although I try not to thieve.)

Any way fad or no fad, this camera cost me a lot so it better be a long phase I’m going through. Now the sun’s out, I’m really looking forward to getting out and climbing some hills and taking pretty pictures.

I’m feeling the motivational wheels start again! 🙂

Love,

L

 

Edited : I should make myself clear that my number one hobby is not sex, and I’m not working as a hooker…. No sex is my number 1 and a half hobby. Just thought I’d clear that up.

It’s easy to lose yourself / I am working on me from now on

I describe myself as rather strong-willed, true to whom I am, and not influenced greatly by others.  My mum used to say that my personality had been developed at 9 and that I was born an adult. I guess being a only child, home schooled and having interaction with positive can do adults – I developed a strong character and for this I’m very thankful for .

However since being took under the wing by CB and family, I discovered just how different my upbringing has been compared to theirs, and how thankful that I am of this. They’re so yang,  hold grudges, rather moody, and there is lots of tension within their family affairs. Totally different from mine : yin, lets go easy, laid back, and if it’s not worth it move on fast attitude.

Furthermore I’ve learnt though how easy it is to lose yourself around those whom are different to you. I swear in the past  year of  knowing CB and family, I’ve become very stressed and even run down. I find myself doing, saying and being someone who I’m not or ever want to be. Getting caught up in others dramas and lives (it’s hard not to when you care) but instead I should be concentrating on my own.

Don’t get me wrong they’ve been amazing, and have given me some wonderful things. The family have touched my life in so many ways and I am truly, truly thankful that I met them. But as a wise friend told me the other day ‘the true test of your character is when you’re around those whom are the opposite to you, not the same as you’.

And it’s true. How else would I know how strong a person I am without tests? Of course it’s not their fault, they don’t do it on purpose. If anything it’s up to me how I control my reactions and responses. Another wise friend said ( I’ve many) ‘Situations don’t make you react, it’s how you that react to them that determines the outcome.’

So, being back home, in my little apartment with my puddy cat I’ve started to be me again. It’s quiet here, calm and I’ve my positive mind set back again. I’ve even joined a gym – the huge pool, jacuzzi and 15% discount off beauty treatments won me over – not to mention the erm good looking staff. But I can assure you that’s not the entire reason I joined. :p

I had a massage, facial, and my nails done today. And I feel wonderful. I’ve been listening to some positive mental attitude mp3’s as well as working on my new business venture and it’s got me feeling like I can do anything.

I’ve discovered that a) the person that moves in with me will have to be very, very special – Ideally we’ll have separate houses and b) I used to think liking my own space was a bad thing, but now I know it’s essential for my sanity. lol.

Any way, on my last blog I was pondering about when I was going to travel, and fearing that I was uninteresting. But I’ve now realised that I’m on a journey now (not to sound too Yoda) and It’s a good one that I should enjoy. I moved to a beautiful place, I’ve an amazing line of work and lots of support in my life and that I should quite frankly quit acting like a bitch (my wise friend 50 cent said once).

And TGR I do love your last comment on my blog ”  The interesting comes from YOU not what you’ve done” and so with this in mind. I’m working on me from now on!

Other than my lack of sex, (I’m hoping ‘to get it’ this Wednesday) I’m pretty happy… I’ll keep you updated!

Love,

L

Hedonistic (sounds like a rude word)

I’m often on the quest of trying to define happiness. I’ve read a lot of books, asked a lot of people a lot of questions. No two answers are ever the same. And I guess I’m still trying to define my happiness. I have experienced it, many times. But I think it’s difficult to put in to words.

Any way a chapter in a book I’m reading called ‘Happier’ by Tall Ben -Shahar looks at different personality types that experience happiness in different ways. The one personality type that really stuck out for me, and summed me up rather well albeit worryingly too well was the hedonistic personality.

According to him ” A hedonist seeks pleasure and avoids pain. She goes about satisfying her desires, giving little or no thought to future consequences. A fulfilling life, she believes, is reducible to a succession of pleasurable experiences. That something feels good in the moment is sufficient justification for doing it until the next desire replaces it.”

Yup, pretty good summary of me so far and here  is where I become classic  text-book..

“She initiates friendships and romances with enthusiasm, but when their novelty wears off, she quickly moves on the next relationship. Because the hedonist focuses only on the present, she will do things that are potentially detrimental if they afford her immediate gratification.”

I find it quite worryingly how he’s just basically summed me up to very T. Part of me wants to say at least I know how to obtain gratification and happiness. However a big part of  me knows, that, in the past I have thrown caution to the wind and not cared about  the consequences ( I have something to add further on this, but I’m not ready to share yet.) And it has gone me into trouble.

 

And not forgetting his comment concerning vision.  I know just how important vision is, to have, in order to create just what you want. For someone like myself who works in a very creative capacity, I have such trouble with vision. I can only visualise the here and now and this is something I need to extend upon. ( More than a few days!!!!)

A part of me also screams that I’m proud to be a hedonistic nut case , and then another part of me feels ashamed. Is it really that bad to know what you want and to crave gratification? Of course there is no doubt that I do initiate friendships and romances with enthusiasm (usually it’s the desire to have sex that fuels it) only to forget about them when I get bored.

I suppose the self-development part of me wants to work on this, I know all  too well how our actions create a bigger reaction in the world. A bit like a butter fly’s flap of the wing on one side of the world can cause a huge storm in the other part of the world.

I’m not too sure how I’m benefiting you with me telling you about my hedonistic ways, I suppose I just wanted to see if you’d describe yourself as one too?

Oh and just out of interest how would you define happiness?

This books says happiness is about having clear purpose and meaning in life, and I’m inclined to agree with him for now.

Love,

L

Let me tell you where I’m at… The realisation.

So I said I’d tell you where I’m at with  Country Boy (Without sounding like Dragons Den) . So basically I had a little chat with his Mum. He’s not told her much, then again we tend to not tell our parents too much any way. And apparently she’s a little baffled about how the whole thing is going, in her words he was pretty gooey eyed with me which she’s never seen before. Any way, apparently after getting off the phone to me he told his mum he’d been a prat, and that I’d got the wrong end of the stick. This leaves me a little confused as to what stick I got? Perhaps now he doesn’t want casual? Who knows, or cares.

According to her, he’s in a bad place, and even she’s kept away from him whilst he’s in a mood. So this leaves me to ask myself this question. How does having a moody, mixed messaged person in my life benefit me? And the answer is… it doesn’t.

I am very much a big believer that when you’re happy and on the right track in life, you won’t meet people who bring you down, and if you do it’s only for a short period of time to test how you deal with it.  I’ve been moaning on about how he’s not even bothered to text me, even though we’re casual blah blah. But it makes sense, if he’s not happy, and I am – we won’t be on the same wave length.

When I met him, I wasn’t happy with my housing arrangements and my home life in general, and he was the same. He lived with a family that doesn’t get on, and there are lots of arguments. So that was our common ground. Now that I’m beginning to change my circumstances and step into the new, he’s not. So it makes sense that slowly but surely we’ll step out of each others wave lengths and frequencies.

Part of me wants him to change, and be back on my wave length so I can continue to be with him (because I still like him a lot) But I know that until he’s changed, he won’t and he won’t benefit me.

And of course, we can only change ourselves and not other people. They must do that themselves.

So I’ll tell you where I’m at. I’m out. For now. I’m concentrating on my move, because it’s making me happy. And life is all about being happy and finding your bliss. If he comes back on to my wave length then so be it. If not, well that’s OK too – we all have our own lessons to learn.

Love,

L