Give me some sex!

Gosh, it’s Friday and I’m very glad!

It’s been a very busy working week that’s involved lots of public speaking, representing myself and trying to make good impressions. You should know I detest public speaking, and talking to strangers – the thought makes me physically sick! But I’m glad to report, it was so bad… I made some useful contacts this week. It’s all pushing yourself out of your comfort zone even when you do loose breath mid sentence, and the entire rooms look at you as though you’re in need of an inhaler.

 

Any way, It’s been a whole 3 weeks since I’ve gotten my end away and I’ve resorted to desperate measures : PORN. It’s not all bad, I’m rather impressed with how much effort goes in the whole act. I wish real sex was like that . . .

I’d not seen or heard of CB for the duration of the 3 weeks well apart from a few texts, but that doesn’t count. I think it’s our schedule that’s prevented us getting it on. Rather depressing! Although with a call in the week asking me if I was free the weekend was a sure sign I was getting ‘some. It was this morning I realised the extent of how much I’m going to be getting, or supposedly (we know how that turned out last time.)  His voice said . .  Bring your camera, and your toys. I’ve some to add to yours – see you at 5… I went weak at the knees! Could it be finally that CB is going to show his more dominant side.. I’ve been waiting for many moons! He may of also mentioned something about me being his sex slave, but I can’t quite remember – I was too busy trying to concentrate on holding the phone.

Gosh, it sounds desperate ! Do I really sex to function? Probably, Yes, Yes, Yes!

And then last night JF text to ask what I was doing the weekend. I didn’t text back. I’ve decided that although I’m not exclusive to CB;  JF is not a patch on him and I wouldn’t want to do anything to upset the balance. JF is only interested because it’s a challenge for him – he’s a bit too childish for my liking.  This time, on my better judgement – I’m going to pass.

SO, I bid you a lovely evening and weekend!

Love.

L

 

Thought confession…

I think I may fancy my gym instructor…

The first time I saw him, I thought he was nice. A typical jack the lad, full of charm and one to keep an arms length. I made an appointment for a fitness test to which I didn’t turn up for.

I said sorry, but he’s never been the same with me since. It’s as though I left him at the church. And when I saw him again the other week, he was really nasty to me – well in a sarcy way. It pissed me off that he could be like that, and instantly I didn’t like him.

Though today he added me on fb, and sent me msg to tell me I should get my arse down the gym because he was bored. I’m shocked to say I got giddy at the thought of him msging me and now I’ve checking my emails for his replies.

He keeps leaving kisses at the end of his msgs. But I’m careful not to. After  all he’s got a GF…

But to conclude, It bothered me that he was so pissed off with me because I think I’ve a crush on him…

Answer : avoid the gym at all cost. I can say no to the treadmill, so I’ll keep practising that. 

Thanks god he’s not a life guard, I love the pool. 

Love, 

L

And I’m feeling ….. gurd!

Quick up date..

I’ve not seen CB for a while. Apart from a quick stop a few weeks ago to get a shower at mine for a works do. Other than that, I’ve not been in the mood.

I’ve been going out a lot to places I’ve never been before and really using my camera and getting to grips with how to use it. Got some good pics but not good enough to show you yet..  I’ve also joined Salsa which is just brilliant – I’m even taken part in a competition in a few months! I’m fed up with CB being able to pull the moves and I’m all stiff (not in a good way).

I’ve made a few new friends in my home town too which is nice because I’m planning my holidays with them this summer. I forgot how nice it is to have friends. Since moving up here, I’ve been busy with the trees and sheep to notice how lonely it feels now and then. Don’t get me wrong, I love my own space and my own company (too much sometimes) but it is nice to share a day out or two.  In particular, one of the friends I’ve met is a photographer and a very creative soul. He’s an interesting chap – and don’t get the wrong idea just because he is a he. It’s purely platonic. I can have male mates without jumping in the sack with them. ( I think) So we’re planning on a walk in the countryside soon, he lives in the next town from me. He lives in Sheffield but is coming home to roost whilst he saves for future adventures.

Business have been good too, after one of my big contracts going awol it really panicked me into constantly finding new clients. Which is good, because it means I don’t complacent which I have been. If anything it’s really kicked my act in to gear! I’ve been over coming many factors concerning fears such as public speaking, organisation and so forth. So I’m doing lots of things to move myself forward and it’s such a nice feeling to have when you’ve achieved something.

It’s funny life has been pretty nice and full and I find myself  not really thinking of CB too much. There was a time (when I first met him and was besotted) that I couldn’t imagine not seeing or thinking about him. Coming to think about it, my life wasn’t full enough and I had too much time on my paws.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the sexy time and the ego stroke he gives me. But a man or woman for that matter should never be your island.

My work, and the country side is my island.

In other news, I FINALLY got chance to catch up with my two favourite series : a secret diary of a call girl and Californication. Coming to think of it maybe that’s why I’ve not been so sex mad with CB.. I’ve it right on my screen and I don’t have to look good to feeeeel goooood.

Any way I bid you on a churpy note good bye for now…

Love,

L

Swingers and Roundabouts

After my sex club talk with JF early this month, and his crappiness of never even getting back to me. (FYI, I’m never going to entertain his face again – he’s a waist of time and effort!) It left me with a curiosity of swinging and all things kinky.

So I went as far as having a look online and checking a few out, you know, the pros, the cons, the what to do, the not what to do. It made me tingle a little and I wondered whether it was subject that I should explore not to mention breach with the old fuck buddy.

So I’m kissing him on the sofa one night when I asked him whether he’d ever been to a swingers club. And he wouldn’t answer, I said I took that as a yes but he then said no. I asked him whether he would swing, and his defences got up high. He’s a typical alpha male, and likes to be in control meaning he doesn’t like to share. Then I gave him some bullshit about watching a program about swingers (when I hadn’t). It was just to give more depth to the conversation, rather than him just assuming that I was asking him to go swing with me in roundabout way. ( I was.)

He didn’t seem keen on the idea, yet when I mentioned there was nights where you could couples could just girls, oh how he was up for that. He knows that I’m into girls big time, but the thought of having a 3sum with him makes me all territorial. So I thought being able to have sex with guys would even it up for both of us. How I was wrong, he’s just not interested which is a big shame as he’s missing out on some great viewing action…

Then again maybe this whole swinging story is just a route for disaster. I can see what would happen, he’d get too involved with a girl, I’d get pissed off and look for a willing bloke to then just fuck to piss CB off. Result one another never talking to each again.

I guess some fantasies should just stay fantasies. And then again, it’s something I can explore in the future when I’m single again I guess.

One thing that did make me ponder… when I told him that I don’t think I’d be keen on having a 3sum as I’d be a little too territorial. He began to laugh and said ‘getting protective are we, a little jealous, I like it!’.

Strange man.

Anyway I’m keen to hear if anyone has ever gone into swinging? What was it like?

Love.

L

M for mmm carrot cake

It’s been a very good couple of weeks to say the least. The sun’s been out, works been busy but satisfying and things with CB have been nice.

I stayed at his and his families over the week. We partied, ate lots, baked,relaxed and I went for a walk in the hills that surrounds their houses. I got some lovely photos, and there’s one at the end of this post for you. When I stay over at CB’s house I know there’s not going to be any sex – there never is because it’s just too damn packed so I’ve to sit in frustration all weekend. But apart from that he’s very touchy feely, so  that’s nice.

Although I did notice some alarming looks coming from his way. He’s got puppy dog eyes going on, I swear each time he looks at me, he sighs and then kisses my forehead. It’s like he wants to say something but he’s holding back. I really hope he doesn’t confess his love for me… that would be very awkward. Each time I see him, the real him, it reminds me why he’s not good for me and I need to be reminded of this often as it’s very easy to let the libido  and attraction take over.  Don’t get me wrong he’s an amazing person with such great qualities but then there’s a real dark side that I know wouldn’t sit well with me.

I baked the most yummiest of carrot cakes with the Mum yesterday, which was so fun! I do love cooking especially cakes. And the Brother got so drunk on the weekend that he ended up getting in bed with me . I was half tempted to let him stay actually, I know that sounds really, really bad. But he’s rather good-looking, and I was very horny, and CB was ZZZ it away on the opposite sofa. Of course in reality I would never have, but the fantasy was quite hot. Thinking about a cheeky grope and things…

Over all a great weekend. I’ve now got to get back to work…. :S

But here’s a pic any way!

Love,

L

I choose to have great family relationships, and a great life.

( I’ve been posting a lot more than usual lately. So I apologise for the excess of content, I would also like to raise your attention that there’s some things in this post that you may not agree with – but I don’t mean any disrespect or bad feeling: this is just how I live my life)

The past 

For years, I’ve been bottling up my feelings about my Father and his family. The story goes like this, he cheated on my Mum for 10 years, she wasn’t perfect, and they argued a lot. He never came to terms with having a child, especially  a girl and they both settled down far too young.  When I was 9 they split up, and my Father promised to do everything he could to see me. Mum didn’t stop him, although he’d hurt her deeply she made every effort to encourage me to see him. And so for the next 5 years or so there was a constant battle between me and him we’ll call him K. He took me out a few times during my teenage years, paid child care to my mum but boy did he not let us forget and sent the odd Birthday Day card. Meanwhile I was growing up, and becoming my own person and ultimately decided that I actually didn’t like him. Not  because of his lack of appearance in my life, but just the person he was. So I cut him off, call it a teenage phase.

I instead continued to keep in contact with my Grandparents. Whom were great – they were there for me financially. Then they were very rich with their own business, and so I could have what ever I wanted. Yet they were never there emotionally – they frowned upon my mum’s decision on home schooling, and my Nan always had a tendency to  accept what K had done.   My Grandparents each came with their own set of issues . Both were prejudice, at times I’d say Racist. I’d have to hide my ethnic friends, and listen to their nasty comments about people who were different. My Granddad was an ex recovering alcoholic  who eventually went back to it, lost his business and walked all over my Nan and got her into some bad financial difficulties – of course like the dutiful wife, she stayed with him, and loved him ; mind, body and soul. I’m sure she had her reasons.

The near present 

At aged 18, I’d decided that I’d had enough with listening to my Nan complain about my Granddad and actually not do anything about it.I’d listened to her complaints since I was 13 and seen her upset many a times.  He still drank, she still supported him, and she was never really interested in my life. I always remember at age 20, when I’d just made company director, I told her of my news and she moved off the subject.  It may have not been big news in her life, but I thought you were supposed to be happy for others, those that you care about?  So I stopped phoning, and I stopped visiting just like that. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her why – was it fair to point out all her wrong doings? Probably not. Yet was it fair to punish her for something she had no awareness of? Probably not either.

Then I read the book The Secret by Rhonda Bryne and it changed my life completely.  It allowed me to realise that everything that had happened in my life, was just a manifestation of my thoughts and my own doing. No, I’m not blaming my self for others actions because we can not control other people, but we can control how we react. I realised that I’d put up with all of their behaviour for too many a years. Perhaps those years where me being a child, and I didn’t really know how to deal with it. Yet in my adult years, on reflection I now know how to deal with it, which now brings me to the future. Still I felt so much guilt for cutting off ‘my family’ and battled with should I or should I not see them. Had they changed?

The Future 

K got in touch with me a few weeks ago. He’d had a nervous break down, and was looking for forgiveness. I will say this once and only once : there is no such thing as depression. Depression is a manifestation of your body and mind refusing to accept what has been, and the reality that things need to change. You can say it’s because of your parents, or it’s because of your job, or it’s because of your pet badger under the stairs.

Remember this… No one controls you, you control every thought, feeling and emotion in your body that is manifesting the life you are living now. Once you can grasp that idea, and it may seem very hash for you at first, but once you do, it will be the most empowering thing you can ever do for yourself.

I told K that I’d forgiven him. Which I have. From reading the likes of Louise Hay (another wonderful Author)  I understand that him and my Grandparents where doing the best that they could at the given time, with the given knowledge that they had. But it was time for him to really forgive himself and start living in the here  and now. I added this because his streams of messages of how he thought he’d done his best, and that he was young and stupid affirmed that he was projecting his own issues on to me. These have been resolved a long time ago for me, and I did this by accepting what’s done is done – and how I react, and deal with things in a constructive, and minus the poor me mode will determine just how fulfilling my life is.

I recommended him The Secret, which I would urge any one to read… only  to be told that I was not a professional in the matter of depression and that I didn’t understand. I simply told him that he surround himself with a good positive and supporting networking, who concentrates on where they want to be and to take note of the small things in life, and be grateful for his life, and existing family as he’ll only get more. I told him how wonderful my day had been today – smelling flowers, paying attention to the sound of the wind, bees and kids in the park. And most of all how grateful I was for life and that I wish him the state of being that I feel most of the time.

And then I blocked him via FB, and made a conscious effort to never contact him or my Grandparents again  Whilst I fully forgive, and understand I also remind myself that people who bring out a negative emotion in myself is not good for my well-being or any one else. Therefore the best thing to do is to pass the message of self change on, and then move on.

As the Dalai Lama said to me once : forgive the spiritual being and react to the human being.

I decided to let go of the guilt because I see how it manifest as dis -ease in your body, and I want to live a happy and healthy life. Most of all, I wish them all love and hope that one day , just one day he will understand my way of being, and realise that the best thing any one can do  is accept the past is over and take full responsibility to actions and thoughts.

It’s not about wearing rose tinted spectacles, and blaming it on hippy ways of peace, joy and love. Whilst these of the main aspects of human life may I just add. But it’s about looking at things different and building up a list of solution focused questions to ask yourself and ultimately change the way you think and live.

It comes down to choice. You are the ONLY person that can make it.

With love,

L

 

 

It’s not a phase I’m going through…

Well TRG you were right…

Sometimes you just have to go in search for the  motivation, and being ill wasn’t helping.

After booking myself in for a facial and pedicure this morning (which was simply divine by the way) I spent a good long while asking myself what was wrong.

Lets face it, when we say we don’t know, deep down we do. We don’t need any one in this life, answering our so called problems. We all know the route of them, we just have to dig at times.

And I found the answer to mine… I need a hobby. Apart from sex.

I turned my number one hobby into a career, I’ve become very good at it . Although because it’s now a form of income, the pressure I put myself under to make a good income at times can take the creative expression out of it.  For me, job satisfaction and enjoyment is a huge priority in my life. Especially since I work a lot of the time.

My new chosen hobby is : taking pictures. I went out today and bought a semi – professional camera which was reduced (bonus) and decided that I wanted to embark down the photography route – for purely pleasure. I want to learn a knew skill, something I don’t know anything about – the newness excites me.

Although my Mum did make an interesting comment today whilst over lunch. She said that I’ve an addiction to new things, and a tendency to get bored. She’s always noticed it with hobbies, and things that I buy. Apparently I get distracted easily.

Isn’t that what creative minds do? I’m a bit like a magpie. I like shiny things ( although I try not to thieve.)

Any way fad or no fad, this camera cost me a lot so it better be a long phase I’m going through. Now the sun’s out, I’m really looking forward to getting out and climbing some hills and taking pretty pictures.

I’m feeling the motivational wheels start again!

Love,

L

 

Edited : I should make myself clear that my number one hobby is not sex, and I’m not working as a hooker…. No sex is my number 1 and a half hobby. Just thought I’d clear that up.