( I’ve been posting a lot more than usual lately. So I apologise for the excess of content, I would also like to raise your attention that there’s some things in this post that you may not agree with – but I don’t mean any disrespect or bad feeling: this is just how I live my life)
For years, I’ve been bottling up my feelings about my Father and his family. The story goes like this, he cheated on my Mum for 10 years, she wasn’t perfect, and they argued a lot. He never came to terms with having a child, especially a girl and they both settled down far too young. When I was 9 they split up, and my Father promised to do everything he could to see me. Mum didn’t stop him, although he’d hurt her deeply she made every effort to encourage me to see him. And so for the next 5 years or so there was a constant battle between me and him we’ll call him K. He took me out a few times during my teenage years, paid child care to my mum but boy did he not let us forget and sent the odd Birthday Day card. Meanwhile I was growing up, and becoming my own person and ultimately decided that I actually didn’t like him. Not because of his lack of appearance in my life, but just the person he was. So I cut him off, call it a teenage phase.
I instead continued to keep in contact with my Grandparents. Whom were great – they were there for me financially. Then they were very rich with their own business, and so I could have what ever I wanted. Yet they were never there emotionally – they frowned upon my mum’s decision on home schooling, and my Nan always had a tendency to accept what K had done. My Grandparents each came with their own set of issues . Both were prejudice, at times I’d say Racist. I’d have to hide my ethnic friends, and listen to their nasty comments about people who were different. My Granddad was an ex recovering alcoholic who eventually went back to it, lost his business and walked all over my Nan and got her into some bad financial difficulties – of course like the dutiful wife, she stayed with him, and loved him ; mind, body and soul. I’m sure she had her reasons.
The near present
At aged 18, I’d decided that I’d had enough with listening to my Nan complain about my Granddad and actually not do anything about it.I’d listened to her complaints since I was 13 and seen her upset many a times. He still drank, she still supported him, and she was never really interested in my life. I always remember at age 20, when I’d just made company director, I told her of my news and she moved off the subject. It may have not been big news in her life, but I thought you were supposed to be happy for others, those that you care about? So I stopped phoning, and I stopped visiting just like that. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her why – was it fair to point out all her wrong doings? Probably not. Yet was it fair to punish her for something she had no awareness of? Probably not either.
Then I read the book The Secret by Rhonda Bryne and it changed my life completely. It allowed me to realise that everything that had happened in my life, was just a manifestation of my thoughts and my own doing. No, I’m not blaming my self for others actions because we can not control other people, but we can control how we react. I realised that I’d put up with all of their behaviour for too many a years. Perhaps those years where me being a child, and I didn’t really know how to deal with it. Yet in my adult years, on reflection I now know how to deal with it, which now brings me to the future. Still I felt so much guilt for cutting off ‘my family’ and battled with should I or should I not see them. Had they changed?
K got in touch with me a few weeks ago. He’d had a nervous break down, and was looking for forgiveness. I will say this once and only once : there is no such thing as depression. Depression is a manifestation of your body and mind refusing to accept what has been, and the reality that things need to change. You can say it’s because of your parents, or it’s because of your job, or it’s because of your pet badger under the stairs.
Remember this… No one controls you, you control every thought, feeling and emotion in your body that is manifesting the life you are living now. Once you can grasp that idea, and it may seem very hash for you at first, but once you do, it will be the most empowering thing you can ever do for yourself.
I told K that I’d forgiven him. Which I have. From reading the likes of Louise Hay (another wonderful Author) I understand that him and my Grandparents where doing the best that they could at the given time, with the given knowledge that they had. But it was time for him to really forgive himself and start living in the here and now. I added this because his streams of messages of how he thought he’d done his best, and that he was young and stupid affirmed that he was projecting his own issues on to me. These have been resolved a long time ago for me, and I did this by accepting what’s done is done – and how I react, and deal with things in a constructive, and minus the poor me mode will determine just how fulfilling my life is.
I recommended him The Secret, which I would urge any one to read… only to be told that I was not a professional in the matter of depression and that I didn’t understand. I simply told him that he surround himself with a good positive and supporting networking, who concentrates on where they want to be and to take note of the small things in life, and be grateful for his life, and existing family as he’ll only get more. I told him how wonderful my day had been today – smelling flowers, paying attention to the sound of the wind, bees and kids in the park. And most of all how grateful I was for life and that I wish him the state of being that I feel most of the time.
And then I blocked him via FB, and made a conscious effort to never contact him or my Grandparents again Whilst I fully forgive, and understand I also remind myself that people who bring out a negative emotion in myself is not good for my well-being or any one else. Therefore the best thing to do is to pass the message of self change on, and then move on.
As the Dalai Lama said to me once : forgive the spiritual being and react to the human being.
I decided to let go of the guilt because I see how it manifest as dis -ease in your body, and I want to live a happy and healthy life. Most of all, I wish them all love and hope that one day , just one day he will understand my way of being, and realise that the best thing any one can do is accept the past is over and take full responsibility to actions and thoughts.
It’s not about wearing rose tinted spectacles, and blaming it on hippy ways of peace, joy and love. Whilst these of the main aspects of human life may I just add. But it’s about looking at things different and building up a list of solution focused questions to ask yourself and ultimately change the way you think and live.
It comes down to choice. You are the ONLY person that can make it.